The dreaded "How was your weekend? What did you do?" questions -
how to respond without horrifying your coworkers.

On the other hand, don't underestimate the full-on "jaw drop" response...torturing fellow co-workers can be a great way to start a Monday.

One day, I will have the following chipper response (note: must start consuming coffee or some form of caffeine before arriving at the office; if you have the "don't talk to her before her first cup" reputation, I highly recommend the pre-work caffeine routine):

The weekend was really nice! I met up with friends on Friday night and on Saturday, I spent the morning volunteering. I helped out a friend on Saturday afternoon by watching her son, so she could attend an art class. Saturday night was again spent with a different group of friends; we ordered pizza and enjoyed the humidity-free evening. On Sunday, I had my weekly check-in calls with my Mother and Grandmother, then I accomplished my errands to get myself ready for the week.

Please don't gag violently at this point; under-the-breath cursing might be more appropriate. Yes, the response is a little "Stepford"-ish. They have pegged you as the "wild and crazy" one - I mean, you are the only one without a spouse and one of the few without children. And, because you have been truthful in the past, they secretly wonder about your alcohol consumption and how many "sleep-overs" are, um, planned before they actually occur. Now, you are simply charming and reformed - those wild "girls gone wild days" are so totally over and done with!

Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, the weekend response must change and morph for the inquiring audience. Simply remove the "work filter" from the above response and you will have the following adventuresome quip:

I think I might still be drunk. I can't remember what I did on Friday night. Saturday night, now that I remember! I decided that bartenders at posh bars shouldn't be the only ones preparing inviting and experimental cocktails; I was going to get my hands dirty in that field too. My drink of choice was Rum, Rum, Rum, cranberry juice and Rum. Oh - and ice. Lot's of ice. While enjoying the spectacular view from my friend's roof deck, I downed this new drink while touting the fabulous antioxidant-type properties that are found in cranberries. Every one knows I'm a health freak, not an alcoholic. Later that night I puked up the entire content of Saturday, including julienne carrots from my Cosi salad, on the front porch of my condo building. Oh! I cleaned it up though so no one else would have to deal with it, look at it or come knocking on my door to blame it on me. I'm such a good resident - I woke up at 7:30 to clean it up!

Truly angelic - sometimes you can see a halo above my head.