Bud + Sissy= True Love, Texas Style

Recently, I splurged on a pair of real-deal cowboy boots. They are medium-brown Justin’s with a lovely blue/brown/gold flame stitch pattern on the sides, a wedged heel, and more sex appeal than Prince circa “Purple Rain.”

I did not know it was possible to feel this way about footwear.

My cowboy boots are so fucking hot I can hardly even stand myself when I wear them. I am deeply smitten. I also find them somewhat attractive, physically. Which is more than I can say for most boys I meet.

Is it possible to have a meaningful relationship with a pair of shoes?

I think it is. Honestly, I love my new cowboy boots. To paraphrase “Annie Hall”: Love is too weak a word for what I feel--I lurve them, I loave them, I luff them. Not in a platonic, “I think they look nice” or “They sure are comfortable” kind of way. I love them passionately. They have many of the qualities I look for in a mate. Really. This is why I have decided to start a passionate love affair with my new cowboy boots. Specifically:

1. They are totally hot, in a ruggedly handsome way
2. They do not take themselves too seriously and they clearly have an appreciation for kitsch, which makes me laugh
3. They do not say they will call, then don’t. They do not call drunk at 2:30 am. This is because they cannot talk (a good thing)
4. When I wear them I can easily pretend that I am Sissy in Urban Cowboy, just waiting for a slow-talking sex machine in tight Wranglers, a snap-front shirt, and a big shiny belt buckle to whisk me off to the Trailer Park of Love.
5. They are very successful and self-actualized in their chosen career, which is: making me look fii-i-i-i-ne.
6. they do not make snarky comments, even when I sort of deserve it
7. They do not take valuable time away from more important night-and-weekend endeavors such as drinking, fingernail maintenance, and cat-appreciation.
8. When I eventually tire of them I can chuck them under the bed and forget they exist, guilt-free.

Nuff said. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go—you see, these boots were made for walking.

-Viola