Livin' the Dream, baby!

I just got back from an event that was Pure Corporate Gold and I have to share. We have these quarterly happy hours that coincide with earnings. Generally we all congratulate each other for our awesomeness and general market domination, the CEO gives a speech, etc... This time was special because we actually posted a HUGE loss in the 3rd Quarter so the normal "delights" of this event were dampened. But it was still good for a laugh--if you like to laugh at the expense of others. Which I do.

Allow me to set the scene: All 700 employees in the building gather in the cafeteria. There is beer and wine and cokes in tubs of ice, and a spread of strange, fried crap supplied by Aramark or whoever the hell it is we employ to cook the gruel served in our cafeteria.

The CEO is on a podium--he says some stuff that sounds good, but is probably all lies/platitudes intended to keep us from storming the executive suite with torches and pitchforks. The same people always stand right up front, where they make a big show of clapping very hard and nodding their heads when these words of reassurance are uttered. These are the same people that, during the requisite Q&A session, ask questions such as "Don't you believe the company is poised for great success?"

After standing around and pretending to listen to the CEO, the food-shoveling commences in earnest. In general, there are a lot of people who treat this event as if it were their last supper on Planet Earth. There are often people who complain about "line-cutting" and "double-dipping." These are frequent and egregious offenses, most often perpetrated by members of the IT staff, who are apparently underfed. The highlight of this spread is generally a giant vat of overcooked, rubbery shrimp cocktail, which people fight over as if it is the last piece of crustacean on earth. Cubes of machine-cut "cheese product" the exact size of dice are also a crowd favorite.

While most (like myself) have to go back to work after the "festivities," there are certainly some who stay in the cafeteria for the next 2 hours getting bombed and repeating phrases like "loan originations" and "preferred channel" and "lender yield." Those who must actually return to work often attempt to surreptitiously smuggle booze and lukewarm pigs in a blanket back to their offices, where they presumably scarf them down while dribbling stray bits into their keyboards.

Which is a long way of saying: I think this place is killing my soul.

Over and Out,

PS--sorry we've been outta commission so long, readers! Um, I mean: reader!